As someone who volunteers on the crisis hotline, I’ve learned that the best way to help in those moments is to truly listen, not just to what’s being said, but to what’s underneath. I listen for what I call the black swan: that one quiet, seemingly unimportant detail that ends up being the most important thing we need to resolve the situation.
One night, I got a call at the Texas crisis center hotline. The caller was in Oklahoma City, and he had his friend, who was suicidal, on the line. His friend was in Tulsa.
Let’s call the caller from Oklahoma City, Tim, and his friend in Tulsa, Steve.
I asked, “What’s going on?”
Tim said that Steve had called him and said he wanted to kill himself. He was depressed, nothing was going right, and he just wanted to end it.
I chose to address Steve. “Steve, tell me what’s going on?”
People who are in a suicidal mindset are in a very emotional state, and Steve was exactly that.
I find that getting to a positive resolution with an emotional caller involves listening to the caller and calming their emotions in the hope of finding the Black Swan.
I got Steve to talk, and I just listened. Steve eventually admitted he was about to lose his job, he was having relationship issues, and was about to lose his home.
Tim was shocked. He didn’t know any of this.
As a crisis hotline volunteer, I know I can’t solve everything. So I focused on the one thing I could do in that moment.
I had been listening closely and realized Steve was driving around while we talked.
So I asked, “Steve, I hear you’re driving. Do you need a place to stay tonight? I can help you find somewhere safe.”
Steve replied, “Yes. I have nowhere to go. I just got evicted.”
I said, “I’ll find you a place to stay for tonight.”
“I would love that. I’d love to take a shower.” Steve answered.
I started searching for shelters in Tulsa.
Once Steve admitted he had no place to stay, his friend Tim said:
“What? You don’t have a place to stay? I’ve got Marriott points. I’ll book you a hotel for a week. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I looked up Marriott hotels in Tulsa and found 3 Marriott hotels. Steve said he was two blocks from one.
Tim immediately asked me for the number of that hotel. He told Steve he was getting him a hotel for the next week or more, and then put us on hold to make the reservation.
While we waited, Steve said that he could not have Tim get him a hotel room.
Steve said, “I can’t let Tim do that. I feel embarrassed. He’s such a good friend.”
Sometimes, when a caller is emotional and in denial, I respond with brutal honesty.
My response was, “Bro, I wish I had a friend like that. Friends like Tim are rare. He’s helping because he knows you’re worth it. You know, he is there for you when you are down, and he knows you are gonna be there for him when he is down. That’s what friends do. You are lucky to have a friend like that. And helping others makes people feel better. So you are actually doing Tim a favor by letting him help you.” I said, “That’s why I volunteer here at the Texas Crisis Center. It helps me feel better to help people.”
Steve was surprised. “You do this for free?”
I said, “Yes, I do, because if I can help someone, it is worth it. Same with Tim. I hope you do your friend a favor, take the hotel room, go take a shower, relax, and then figure out what you need to do to get yourself to a better place. You are lucky to have such a great friend.”
Then Tim came back on the line. He’d booked the hotel with valet parking and room service for two weeks.
Steve said he was pulling into the Marriott. As we ended the call, I could hear him parking with the valet.
Uncovering The Black Swan
I knew I couldn’t solve all Steve’s problems. I didn’t really do much, I just recognized the one thing, the black swan, that hidden need neither of them had said aloud.
I recognized the one thing Tim didn’t know and Steve would not admit. Steve didn’t just need emotional support. He needed somewhere safe to land that night.
As I hung up, I knew Steve was in a better and safer place.
The solution was simple but hard to see through the caller’s human emotional crisis.
This is the power of listening. Of noticing the quiet truth. And of what happens when we take time to hear beyond what’s being said.
It’s moments like these that remind me why I volunteer with the depression hotline, because behind every suicide story is someone who still has a future, if we just take the time to hear them.
Real Support Starts with a Real Conversation
At our Texas crisis center, moments like this happen every day. Quiet, compassionate support can shift the course of someone’s life. It all begins with a conversation.
We know one of the biggest concerns people have is what will happen when they call, and it’s okay to wonder. What matters most is knowing you’re not alone.
Support is just a call away. Our Depression hotline in Texas is at Call(214) 828-1000.
We’re here for you, anytime.